Tough decisions

Adrian's case worker came for a visit and we discussed the possibility of a short term stay in a suitable facility. On an intellectual level I know it is becoming necessary for my overall health but in the heart it is a very difficult decision. I know he would be well looked after but I fear he might take it badly. She reassured me that the first eight hours are difficult but then they settle in. Apparently they recommend respite like this every three months. That seems so unrealistic given how long I have gone without. A day here, two days there but no sustained break for almost three years!

Anger management

For the first time he let his frustrations out. I could not understand something he was trying to tell me and I asked him three times to repeat. He got very angry and told me it wasn't his fault if I was ignorant and stupid. I know that it is the disease talking but it was very shocking nonetheless and for the very first time I felt a weariness that extends to my very soul.

In my memory locker

Sometimes just out of the blue he makes the most amazing statements. The other day he told me that he feels " his light is fading " but that he wanted me to know when the darkness begins to descent his last thought will be of me and all that we had together. what greater gift could he give me?

Reading material

Sometimes despite the severity of the situation you have to laugh even though what you are seeing is tragic. This was a man who wrote sonnets, cantatas and could quote numerous of Shakespeare's soliloquies. But yesterday enjoying the sun, he took out some reading material and was completely engrossed. It was the phone book.

Precious moments

Sometimes you get so caught up in the negatives that you forget to actively push for the precious moments, holding his hand for that five minutes while you think about getting up or in the midst of the sundown times, giving him a hug. I am not certain of what it does for him but I know the calming effect it has on me and these precious moments are the ones I will hold in my soul.

The Dignity of life

This has not been a good few days. He has had several falls and today took a chunk out of his leg. He then had difficulty getting up but did not want help. It is not easy to see someone you love trying to haul themselves up by crawling to a chair to get a good hold on something. Add to that he had what I call an old man's accident, something which embarrassed him considerably. It then becomes important to try and preserve his sense of dignity. All of these things affect him mentally as well and so he becomes very agitated. Thank goodness tomorrow is a fresh start.